Still hung on to my past crush;unable to move on;plz help me make out my situation;it disturbs me;I AM NOT EMO?

i had a huge crush on this guy (lets say Sam) since i ws in 6th std ( we were in the same school & cl). though we nvr spoke to each other, i noe he did lyk me too but i acted ignorant. during those yrs he was also after my best fren (it was lyk me-her-me-her & smtyms a few others too). after he lft the school due to some reasons , i really missd him + it ws really embarrasn for me to confess my feelins to any1 ( evn my sis & frns); i smhw tried to move on & found a great guy (say Thio). it felt lyk i had finally gotten over him for good. i actually cared & felt for thio. but after our 6th mnth i realised i was constantly missing sam. though i tried telling myslf it ws thio who i shld care for, i ultimately had to break up with him coz i couldnt fake love anymore. i nvr told thio about sam, rather i made up reasons when he askd for.... i'v had many crushes aftr dat, but only short term ones. at the end its always sam runnin in my mind. he has dated many more girls after leavn the school.; & though i'm aware of the fact that i should be moving on , i'm jst not able to get over him. maybe its not jst a crush anymore . & now when i think back, somethin tells me dat maybe he still likes me or whatever, makin it even more difficlt 4 me. a brief moment i feel so strong & then suddenly i feel so lost & absnt minded & another moment i'm happy again as if i still have a chance. i am still frens with his close cousin but cant dare to discuss sam with her or any1 else who noes him, coz when it comes to him, my mouth starts lying automatically ( not under my control). neither can i write & p it to them. i feel so helpless. i cry sometyms when i think of him ( but thn, i dont noe why). i once thought it might be coz i'm lonely, so i almost dated a guy but ended it coz i cud see another THIO & ME case. either coz of dat reason or because i realise my new crush has so much in common with sam. i'v now given up those methods. i 1st crushd on him when i ws 11; now i'm only 18, yet it feels lyk i'l never get over him & neither will i ever happen to love any1 else... i noe it sounds crazy & dat the descrption is too long, but please help .